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an eternity later..... [13 Mar 2003|06:53am] So it has been forever and a day since I posted on this. wow. I just stopped in to see if I even had a journal still. Since the only "regular" reader is me, and even I only stop by once every few months, I won't bother "updating" I know what is going on, and noone else really reads this anyhow. I guess I can sum it up real quick. y'all ready? Life is shit now. And I will just leave it at that. Moving on.... My wierd mood I've had for the past couple weeks or month or so seems to be finally going away. It is odd. The points in time when I get most depressed are all the same each year, and they seem to be linked to the zodiac as well. It sort of barely begins in Sag and when we go into capricorn is when it starts to get really bad and continually gets worse, until we get into Aquarius. Then I just sort of...stay... I don't get worse, but I generally don't get better either. And then when we switch over to pisces, it seems to pretty much just slam me repeatedly. But as soon as we roll into aries, I almost immediately get over it. Or at least as over it as I ever am. wierd..... post comment

fuck it all [26 Nov 2002|01:02am] [ mood | drained ] [ music | God Save the Queen--Sex Pistols ] So this has been the week from hell. Thank fucking Jesus that I got done with work yesterday. But Thurs, Kyle had been around all week and I was freakin out and I felt like shit and was all kinds of depressed so Amelie and Natalie and Sharona and Stefan all went out and we drank and ate pizza. and I got SMASHED off of super cheap wine and we were all talking and we started talking about Andrew and families and Michael and life in general and I was getting lower and lower and GUESS who should show up at Amelie's.....Kyle. Yes Kyle Connors. So I couldn't fucking handle him in the house so I got up to go have a cigarette and sat on the porch and then he left and made some comment about "how great" it was to see me again....Fucking hilarious seeing as how that was the first time he acknowledged my presence the whole time he was in town. And finally he was leaving and I am trying to deal with it and he shows up. SO after he left, I lost it. I started crying. Yes. Crying. Me. For the first time in a year, I cry and it is because of Kyle Connors. So finally I get myself together, and Stefan takes us all back home, so I call Micheal and ask him to make me feel better and he tells me I should just come over. So I walk over there, walk up, and who is standing at the top of the stairs? Yeah. Kyle. So he looks at me and makes some comment like "oh, are you following me now?" and I, being in shock, can only say "um..no" and go and sit on the couch next to Michael and listen to them talk about sports and force myself to get it together and not fall apart. So then he is leaving and I, in my ultimate stupidity and need to test myself, ask Kyle for a hug. "Oh, didn't I give you one at Amelie's?" wow. Glad I am so damn memorable. So he gave me a hug amd left and Micheal and Danny stayed out in the living room and I went to the bathroom and then Michael's room and break down again and start bawling. And then Michael walks in, drunk as FUCK and is like "what was wrong?....wait....are you crying??" "no" "yes you are" "no I'm not" "Sit up then. Look at me" "I don't want to" So finally I sat up and he could tell I had been crying and he made me tell him what was wrong and I sort of gave him a brief idea and then I passed out. Luckily the next morning he didn't remember much, but unfortunately, he did remember me crying and who, if not exactly what, it was about. Oh well. Then that night, I was still recovering from the wine, but managed to down two PBR 40s and get in fights with Michael and Galen and Keegan. I got my ass kicked. But they had some pretty fucking nasty bruises too. It made me miss this summer when all we'd do is listen to drunk punk and get smashed and then kick the shit out of each other. God. Those were the days. But it was fun. I want to shave my head. Go for a tri-hawk, but my acting coach would kill me. Its kinda hard to get parts when you have punk hair. So, she abides by the tats and piercings and clothes as long as I can make them disappear or at least hide them when I have to go for auditions. Which I can. But my hair is another issue. I can't do anything fun to it if I want to keep her as my coach and, realistically, if I want to have a chance in this profession. Oh well. I guess I can deal with it. I am fucked in school. I have a presentation, a paper, another paper, a test and a quiz in the next two days and I haven't done anything about any of them. I am fucked. Oh well. Life goes on. College isn't THAT important right??? right?? fuck. I am fucked. 2 comments|post comment

I have become comfortably numb [20 Nov 2002|11:05pm] [ mood | numb ] [ music | Out of Habit--Ani Difranco ] Well...more like uncomfortably numb...but at least I don't feel like throwing up anymore. I guess that is a plus. But I am massively coming down and I feel like shit and a whole bunch of other crap is going on and I just got off work and I think I am dying. So I haven't talked to Michael since Monday night. I don't know what is up with us. I get really self-consious around him lately. I don't like that. And...I dunno. I just get wierd vibes when I am around him lately and it is kinda worrying me. But oh well. Also, Kyle was around tonight. Yeah. That sucked. I fucking hate him. But at the same time, the second I heard he was there tonight, my stomach dropped out of my body. I hate him. I hate him so much for making me feel like he does. And I hate him even more because he doesn't even know what he does. He doesn't even notice when I am around. And yet, when he is around, even if I try my hardest to not notice, I can constantly just feel him in the area. My entire body is tuned into it and even if I completely turn my back to him, I can feel his presence on my skin and I can tell where he is the entire time. God. I fucking hate him. But right now...fuck. I can't feel anything. I just want to curl up and sleep for a week. But I can't. I can't keep ignoring my life or it is just going to keep getting worse. I am failing school. Or at least I am failing four of my six classes. I have so much homework to do but I have no time. My schedule is entirely full from 10 am to about 11:30 at night. Fuck. I can't keep doing this. I need to stop. But I don't know how. Fuck it. My life is going to hell. I always knew it would happen sooner or later. I am just getting what I deserve. post comment

"She knows what you want/And she got it so she flaunts it" [18 Nov 2002|05:12am] [ mood | distressed ] [ music | Trouble Breathing--Alkaline Trio ] So I have Crazytown stuck in my head which sucks because a)I hate that band and b) I hate that the song could be my theme song "Don't be confused 'cause girls are players too/So we're gonna tell you about a girl we knew/She was a pretty rebel/A punk rock girl/With a wicked sex drive/And a mind of a devil/Like Agent 99/Undercover all the time/You want another kiss?/You better rock another line/Unique in design/This freak was kinda fine/But she's not the only one/There's plenty of her kind/Ain't nothin' funny baby/Her game's so tight/She could make the sun shine/In the middle of the night/She knows what she wants/And she gets it when she wants it/She knows that you want it/And she got it so she flaunts it" I hate Jay for making me and a player by instinct. I don't go out and say to myself (except for in certain occasions when the person deserves it) "I am gonna make this guy/girl fall for me and give me everything I want and then I am going to leave them" It just happens! It is like second nature. I start to like someone, they like me, we hook up, have sex, they fall for me, become my bitch and that totally turns me off, so I get bored and leave. I mean, there are variations on the pattern, but that is generally how it ALWAYS goes. That's one reason I prefer to hold off on having sex with someone I actually like. For some reason, once I sleep with a guy, it seems like he turns into my bitch. I mean, GOD! I know I am pretty damn good, but I can't be that good! And there is nothing that is a bigger turn off to me than a guy who is my bitch. I hate it. Then there is the other reason I get freaked out about having sex with people I realy like. The intimacy. I mean, for me, sex is nothing. It is fun. It is a power trip. It is a good time. But for me, there is no emotion involved. None. But, for other people....it isn't casual. Or at least it isn't THAT casual. And it freaks me out to have sex with someone when I know they are seeing it as more, when they are putting emotion behind it, and I can't reciprocate. Not to mention the fact of intimacy in general scares the shit out of me. Seriously. It scares the FUCK out of me. I literally cannot think of a single thing that scares me more than being truly emotionally intimate with someone. I mean, as far as I have come since Jay...I haven't come THAT far. And whenever someone else is being all intimate and emotional I get very uncomfortable. And what REALLY sucks, is that I have this need to make the people I care about happy. I also have this incredible ability to read people really well. I mean REALLY well. I can meet someone and by the end of the night, I will be able to know who they want to be, who they want others to be, why they do everything they do and what gets to them. Seriously. It is kind of scary. So I can totally tell what people truly care about and what makes them happy. The thing is, is when I am seeing someone and I start to care about them, I will be able to pick out the one or two things that really truly and deeply make them happy or that really truly and deeply mean something to them. And then I do that. And then they fall in love with me. And then I get scared and run as fast as I can. I do it to myself!! And now I am starting to get freaked out with Micheal. And I DON'T DON'T DON'T DON'T DON'T want that. But every so often, he will do something that, to me, comes off as really intimate, or commitment oriented or something of that nature and it SCARES me and every instinct in me is telling me to run, but I don't want to do that! I like him! He's fun! He's actually intelligent! He's in school! He has real goals in his life! He's into punk! He doesn't mind acting like a complete dork sometimes! I don't feel like I totally have to be something I'm not! And I LIKE that!! I don't know what to do. I know I m freaking out over nothing right now, but I said from the beginning, "I shouldn't do this. I know how this will end." But I did it anyways. And for a while, it seemed like, maybe, this time things would be different, and now they are right back on course with where I thought they would be. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. Fuck me. I don't know what to do. Someone please just tell me what to do. Tell me how to make everything better. I hate Jay. I hate him so much. But then again I can't. I truly can't hate him. He made me who I am today. And if I hate him, then I hate myself...although...there are really times when I wonder what I would have been like if Jay had never found me. If I hadn't grown up like that. If I hadn't become everything that he wanted me to be and taught me to be. Would it have been better that way? I mean, I would have been very very very different. That is for sure. But for all of the bad parts of me that he gave to me, there is alot he taught me that I value and that I wouldn't want to give up. Who would I have been without Jay? God. That is just the question of my life isn't it..... post comment

random wave of depression... [16 Nov 2002|09:03pm] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | Out of Habit--Ani Difranco ] I don't know what is up with me right now. I am sitting here in my dorm room alone because my roommate is out of town and all my friends are out watching a movie and I wasn't in the mood. And I keep finding myself contemplating doing things I haven't had any desire to do in years. Like trip on Dimenhydrinate (Dramamine)which I haven't done since that one time that resulted in me getting expelled and arrested and forced to take random drug tests. Or cutting. And I haven't done that since I was 17. Or I just want to disappear. To just not be anywhere for awhile. This fucking sucks. Goddamn it. Every time I think I am getting over depression without having to take medication I slip back into this shit. I want to talk to Erica. She went through all this shit with me back when we were together. She knows how to snap me out of it. No one else can do it like she can. But I don't know where she is. She disappeared awhile ago and I haven't seen her since. God. We were best friends and then lovers for five years and now I don't even know if she is alive. I want my girl back!!!! I love you Erica. I really do and I always will. So things are going really wierdly with Micheal right now. Last night at the bar he got upset with me because he felt like I was "playing games" with him and he "felt used" when that wasn't what I was doing at all. And then he saw some ex that apparently broke his heart and he isn't quite entirely over it and that put him in a really bad mood all night and while we were walking home. But later when we were laying in bed he seemed like he was in a better mood, although it could have been because he just got laid, but I figured he was over it. But then this morning when he left for work he seemed like he was mad or upset. He was really distant. Like, he wouldn't resist any gestures or advances I made, but he wouldn't make any and he wouldn't really so much respond to them as just put up with them. But then again, maybe I am just paranoid and he was just tired and I am reading too much into it. But I don't want to fuck this up. It is fun, and nice, and I am enjoying it. I don't want to lose that over some stupid bullshit. Oh well. I need to stop thinking about it. I need to get out of my room. I am going to go smoke. post comment

Failed Illusions [15 Nov 2002|02:25am] [ mood | disappointed ] [ music | When I am Queen--Jack Off Jill ] So I have been trying to convince myself that maybe Andrew hasn't changed as much as I think he has, but that I have just been harboring unfair expectations for him and glossing over my past memories of him. But then I was reading all my old tweaker writings from last year and I found this one... I also figured out why it is that people want Andrew around so much. I mean, besides the fact that he is adorable, cute, cuddly and one of the least judgmental people I have ever met in my life, he is also such an innocent. He is a truly pure person and as cheesy as all of this may sound, he is a good, kind, innocent and caring person. And having someone like that around you and close to you, especially if you are an essentially corrupt and pessimistic person who has pretty much given up all hope of redemption, makes you feel that maybe by associating with innocents, you may get another chance at it. It is a reflection of what you might have been and how you might have turned out. You feel that if you can tell them all of your faults and secrets and past shames, and they can hear it all and retain the innocence they have and look on you with love and not revulsion or disgust, you will gain a sort of peace and slight amount of redemption simply through their acceptance of you. And that is the type of person that Andrew is. He draws people out of their dark little shattered lives and gives them a glimpse of the light, and that is enough for them. Now granted that is a tad melodramatic and over the top and was written on day number 3 of a T Binge, but everything it says about Andrew is right on. He was THAT innocent. He was THAT full of life. He was THAT intense. And now what is he? Just another one of the fuck ups. Just a regular, run of the mill guy who doesn't have more than passing interest in anything. Someone who can move through life unaffected by what he sees and feels. But that wasn't the case before and THAT is the Andrew I loved. The one that could get scared. The one who had tears in his eyes when I told him some of my Jake stories. The one who would cry for me because he knew I couldn't. The one who could call me up at 2 am because he was bored and wanted someone to go play in the rain with. The one that found hapiness in running through leaf piles and mud puddles with me. The one who held me that night I finally did break down and cry. The one that held me and told me I was beautiful and I was worth more than that. The one that told me he would be weak for me when I couldn't alow myself to be and that he would be strong for me when I couldn't hold on to it anymore. The one who knew how broken I was and didn't exploit it or try to use it against me, but just accepted it. That was the Andrew that could make me smile just seeing him. That was the Andrew I called a friend and would have done anything for. Not this one. The one that looks at me with judgement in his eyes and speaks to me with indifference on his breath. The one that could walk through a world of injustices and heartbreak and not even shed one tear. The one who has relinquished his intensity and passion for a more socially acceptable facade. Where he once could feel things all the way down in his gut, he now feigns passion and "plays" at being emotional. And it makes me sad to see how far he has fallen and it makes me sick when I see that it doesn't bother him. When I see that he prefers it that way. I can't stand knowing that it wasn't a tragic loss of innocence, but a conscious abandonment of principles. Why?? What made him change?? Why can't things go back to how they used to be when Andrew was Andrew and I was his friend? When we would have fun and talk rather than having me play the audience while he performs for me and then takes his curtain call and disappears again....Oh well. The past is the past. Dwell on it too much and it will make you insane. I just can't help thinking that, maybe if I can figure out where it all went wrong, I could figure out how to put it all back...but that's just a dream. And dreams only exist in our minds. And this is something I am just going to have to face. I love you Andrew. I always will. And if you ever decide to come back to me, I'll be here. But in the meantime, I'll stick to the wings and give you your life in center stage. Because truthfully...for now, I am content just to watch. post comment

bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored bored [07 Nov 2002|11:49pm] [ mood | bored ] [ music | talk to me now-Ani Difranco ] So, in case the title didn't give it away, I am bored. Everyone went out to the bars, but Karen talked to Jill before Jill could get to me and got herself invited, so she has the community fake and is out with people that I am better friends with than she is and is out with the guy I am sleeping with, all of whom wanted me to go, but Karen butted in. I am less than happy. So I am sitting here, at my computer with nothing better to do than write in here and wishing I was really fucking trashed right now. And I KNOW karen is going to blab to Mario about what I wanted to talk to him about and that is what I really DIDN'T want to happen. Because I still might not do it and I wanted to talk to him about it first. Fucking bitch. I really hate her at times. Specifically, I hate her every time I have to be around her and other people, about 89% of the time she is around when it is just us and about 75% of the time when she isn't around. Oh well. I'm not going to bitch. My work with Andrew has been going....a bit better. He has actually been showing up now and doing work on it which is a nice change. I don't know what to say. I am really bored, but everyone is at the bar and being that it is Thirsty Thursday, they will be there a goddamn long time and will be too drunk to call me later. And I have no homework. And I have insomnia. And my roommate is asleep. And I have no drugs. And this fucking sucks. Please shoot me now post comment

High Expectations [05 Nov 2002|12:47am] [ mood | annoyed ] [ music | Hell Yes-Alkaline Trio ] Goddamn it Andrew has been pissing me off lately. And I know it is not fair that I get so upset over little things with him because I hold him to such a higher standard than others, but I KNOW he can live up to it. I have seen him do it. He USED to be able to. But now....he's just gotten so flaky. I can't stand seeing someone who I know could be so much better acting so low. And I hate it even more when their attitude leaves me wondering wether they really have as much potential as I thought or wether I simply deluded myself into believing it was there. Wether I saw them as the person they can be or the person I wanted them to be. But deep down I know that he has it in him. I don't know what his deal is lately. He is getting shallower and shallower with each passing moment. Things that once mattered to him and were once important enough to cling to are left in the dust. And it really sucks, because more and more, it is starting to look like I am one of those things. post comment

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